Broken

You know how sometimes you want something to come to a conclusion, but then you don't? Like when you are training really hard for a race, and then you hit your taper and you feel like shit, and for me, part of that feeling is that I really enjoyed the training and didn't have to think about the race itself which is the real test, even though the whole reason for the training in the first place was to bring it to an end and do a race.

I've been a jumble of emotions as I've been training hard (and well, it would seem), and I'm coming up on the 2-year anniversary of my Mom's death, and now it looks as if I'll be able to close Dad's estate within a month if I can get my shit together.

I thought I'd processed most of the grief associated with Dad's death, but being Executor, I guess you never really get to "finish" until the Estate is all done and closed. And so here I am on the cusp of that--something that I should really be looking forward to, and all it is doing is making me feel this mix of stuff that is hard to describe. Like what happens when this is finished? Do I all of a sudden become happy? Do I lose any excuse to underperform, to be less than a good person?

It feels like Dad isn't really gone, but now I know he will be, and I am so sick of endings, and I know I can feel all of this right in my actual physical heart, because I've had that sensation too often lately. Actual heartache! Back in 1994 when I broke my right arm, Dad wrote on my cast, "You are broken."

Who sees this in me, who understands, who wants to know? How can someone know how this feels to me, when it appears to be so contrary to my typical projection? Oh yeah, that's right--I have no fucking emotions--I am here to be shallow and narcissistic and self-absorbed and driven and competitive and successful. That stuff is but a shadow of who I am. But I'll put on the smiley face, try and give of myself to others, because God knows, I can't possibly have any problems, can I?

Fuck, sometimes I think I feel too deeply, care too much, want so much for everyone around me to be happy. I feel that I must set the example, show how it's done or at least put on the show. It's a good one, isn't it?

7 weeks until my next big test. And holy fucking crap, it's going to be a good one. I have never felt so strong physically. And that is what will get me through the next 7 weeks.