Pain

So I'm getting to the core of some things that are weighing heavily on my psyche today, and despite having slept OK, feel the crush of the grief headache. At one point, I thought I'd practice a little actual meditation, which I like to do lying down, so I got in bed, put earplugs in, a sleep mask on, and focused on my breathing. I'm not exactly sure how much time I spent there, but my little getaway worked wonders, and I went back to work somewhat renewed and more peaceful.

And yet I could tell my body has been taking it up the butt, so to speak, as I've been punishing myself as dictated by my self-imposed training schedule, but also piling extra stuff on just because I want to see if I will crack.

Yesterday morning I swam 2900 yards and then ran for :50 before I started work. My poor little arms were sore from the Sunday morning stuff, and I thought my legs would be a little toasty, too. But I actually swam OK and the run felt, well good. What the hell???

Early this morning, what with the headache and all, I figured I'd at least do some strength training before starting work, since I can almost always do that no matter how tired I am because it's not cardiovascular, and I've been lifting far longer than endurance training. So I got to it about 6:45AM and ended up doing :38 of mostly abs/core and a few other things because I felt like it. My abs are pretty strong and no worse for how ever many extra crunches I do--I could do hundreds a day if I just got down and did them!

As usual, I figured I wouldn't be too useful on the bike, but with some Coke (it's the real thing!) to motivate me, I knocked out one of my best workouts this season. While I was hurting myself on the trainer, I got in some real deep-think time and had some revelations which I will share another time.

As much as I am looking forward to all outdoor riding, I have to say there is something inherently special about being on the trainer. Unlike swimming, where that damn wall keeps coming at you, or running or biking outdoors where you need to pay attention to stuff around you, biking on the trainer allows me to focus on just me and the pain. There is nothing else!

I get to choose how much pain to inflict on myself. It's like the opposite of a pain medication button in a hospital. Please, nurse, I'll take the pain! More pain, please! How can you be bored when you are in pain? This is not to say I won't inflict pain on myself outdoors--I will--which is why I like riding in the controlled environment of Fermilab where there isn't as much distractions as open road--it's just me, a few roads with almost no traffic, a couple of turns, and open sky. I laugh every time someone asks me, "How can you stand riding laps around Fermilab?" Because whoever asks me that question has just told me a lot about him/herself--unable to focus deeply on the pain. I do the work because the work needs to get done, knowing that there will be plenty of opportunities to look at nice stuff. It's all about pain, baby.

Physical pain is nothing compared to psychic pain. Physical pain can make you better able to withstand the psychic variety. I hurt myself and then maybe I don't want to hurt someone else. Sometimes I want others to be in as much pain, but that's usually the psychic variety. Real, true physical pain is something I prefer to claim for myself.

It is such a luxury to be able to choose pain when you want it, isn't it?

I wish I could find a video for Vanessa Daou 'A Little Bit of Pain,' but I can't. Listen to the song sometime.