Here's my buddy, Alex, from my favorite movie, A Clockwork Orange. The movie was also directed by my favorite director, Stanley Kubrick (may he rest in peace).
I have always felt that I have a little bit of Alex in me, and that we all do. What makes us different is how we choose to honor that presence (or not). I don't consider myself a violent person; although I have had a few episodes of extreme anger. When those episodes happen to me, I try to just go with it. I think that the better you "know" yourself, the more fully you're able to experience the anger without it controlling you.
When I was going through my divorce (11 years ago now), I was full of anger, and one evening I went raging over to my soon-to-be-ex's rental abode and ended up whacking him with one of my arms that was in a cast. I (and he) was a little astonished at the time at the level of rage I was experiencing. At that time, I wasn't seeing clearly, and the rage took over.
About one month ago (October 7, to be exact), I was out riding my MTB on a cool, but mostly sunny day. I was riding more or less carefree for about 45 minutes when all of a sudden I was overcome with anger. My first reaction was, "Wow, I don't normally let any strong emotions into my space when I'm exercising," and then I began to wonder if I could continue biking. My legs felt fine, my cardiovascular system felt fine, yet I could feel this anger seething throughout my being. Instead of trying to fully understand it or fight it, I just let it be. I thought how interesting that I can be fully aware of the emotion yet continue what I was doing. Since I was wearing a heart rate monitor, I was able to glance at it, and didn't see any increase in my heart rate, but who knows what was going on with my blood pressure? At any rate, as I tried to think about what the anger meant, all while continuing to bike, I thought it better to defer the deep thought until I got home. After all, I did need to get home safely.
But, the brain, as it is wont to do, decided, no let's try and think about what this is about, as I made my way home. To me, this was the ultimate in multi-tasking! I was riding my bike, making sure I wasn't getting hit by any cars or going off trail or off road, feeling 100% anger coursing through my veins, and being able to watch myself do this and think about what was happening! I did have the same fleeting thought a few times: good thing I don't have a gun on me, or else I might shoot someone or something! But then I would feel in control and press on. I figured out that I was angry at myself, and yet at the same time, I was forgiving myself, and so letting myself really feel the anger was helpful in letting it go.
Am I concerned about the extent to which I felt and experienced that anger? No. As much as some people feel that any negative emotions are harmful, I personally feel you have to just let them happen, as long as you know you are "safe," and that others are safe, and if you can observe yourself while it's happening, no harm done. And then maybe the next time there is the same trigger that would cause the welling up of that emotion, maybe I will figure out its source sooner or maybe it will pass more quickly. Emotions serve a purpose, right? We typically only learn from the negative ones--anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness--yet we have the capacity to learn from the positive ones as well.
I'm singggggggin' in the rain.....just singggggggin' in the rain.....what a glorious feeeeeling I'm happy again!
No comments:
Post a Comment