Weekly Workout Totals 08/06/2007-08/12/2007 and The Lie that is PIDS

I bagged any workouts yesterday. I was too tired. However, today I did THREE workouts, so I'm happy!

I am still struggling with some degree of depression, but at least now I'm to the point of writing down my disordered thoughts and beginning to evaluate which are actually true and which are not, and in the process, discovering what's really at the heart of all this.

I think that Post Ironman Depression Syndrome is a just a name allowing us to have an escape tactic for a normal transitional period in our lives which requires us to take stock. It's generally handy that we reduce our training load, giving us all this wonderful extra time in which to think about our who/what/why/when stuff. I think it's healthy to do this once a year, which curiously enough, corresponds to the amount of time between IM races for most people.

I can recount almost year by year how I felt after each IM I've done:

• 2001: first IM. The euphoria lasted a loooooong time. But instead of doing a little introspection, work took care of that. I won't go into what happened, but it didn't allow me to think about anything else BUT the situation at work.
• 2002: second IM, big improvement in time, mucho euphoria, not sure I ever came down from that one. I probably didn't rest much afterwards at all, thinking I was god-like and could train even harder the next year.
• 2003: third IM, first DNF. What the fuck! How did I erase any possibility of PIDS? I signed up for (and finished) another one 6 weeks later, and then went into my next season seamlessly, kicking it off with a couple of injuries.
  
• 2004: 5th and 6th IM's, 6 weeks apart. No chance to think about anything after #5, because I had to get ready for #6, which was Hawaii. Even better, #5 was another big PR, so I was on cloud nine, and rarin' for #6. #6 went well, too (2nd best time), and it WAS Hawaii and all, and I must have been so exhausted from 2 IM's so close together that thinking about myself and my life was just out of the question.
• 2005: I'm fucking superhuman. Oops--#7 and 2nd DNF. I spiraled into darkness this time, resulting in me starting THIS BLOG. How fucked up is that? But I guess it has been a good thing, huh? So now you can all read about how messed up I am. This spate of PIDS sent me reeling for a number of months, but it resulted in me taking a different approach to life. Still lots of training, but other changes that have all been to the good.
  
• 2006: My mom died, I was sick, IM #8 was a disappointment, and I was so mentally fucked up afterwards that I just rolled with it and didn't try and diagnose or use the time as a platform for much more introspection. I was just plain sad.
• 2007: IM #9, in retrospect I think I had a pretty solid race, yet why is there this part of me that is not sitting happily with it? I'm working on that, and have some ideas...not to be revealed yet because I don't believe in blogging as a "group diagnosis" tool (although if any of you believes you have insight, comment away, I don't mind)
  

I suppose that life is a rollercoaster ride for anyone who spends any amount of time looking inside themselves, wondering if they are good enough, kind enough, smart enough, athletic enough or just plain enough to erase any and every self-doubt. In my case, the answer is NO, I don't think I ever feel like I'm "enough" anything, and yet at times too much of it all, and wish I had the gift of being stupid and not caring. But then I couldn't even think that way if I was stupid, so I guess it's a conundrum and a curse all rolled into one.

For me, though, it's good that I have chosen IM as a platform for putting myself into challenging situations, full well knowing that once it's over, I'm going to have to deal with myself in my rawest form. It's funny how lots of people think the IM itself is where you are at your most raw, but not for me--when I'm there, and I'm executing it well, it's the best damn thing on Earth, and then I think how fucked up I must be to want that. Yes, I'm still trying to replicate that outside of the races, and I think I've succeeded to a certain degree, but still I have this weird relationship to things that shouldn't feel good but do. Either that or I am just a wuss and I really don't push myself to that edge. At some level, I'm looking to achieve the state where it all feels good and there is no thought involved. I guess I have just chosen an odd pathway.

So I'm not using IM as a platform for an excuse of why I feel messed up; it's natural to have annual events that have that effect--for some, it's the end of a school year (or beginning), or an anniversary or a birthday. I will feel better once I am back in a routine. I can't stand being out of my routine, it just is how it is. We all have them even if we think we don't.

Aaaaaaaanyway...I don't even know what I'm talking about right now, but it seems right to write it down.

Weekly Workout Totals	08/06/2007-08/12/2007
Swim:	12002 yards (6.81 miles) in 4.25 hours; 25% of weekly workout time; approx. 1488 calories burned
Bike:	Approx. 134.71 miles in 8.87 hours; 51% of weekly workout time; approx. 4453 calories burned
Run:	Approx. 22.55 miles in 3.45 hours; 20% of weekly workout time; approx. 1554 calories burned
Strength:	0.73 hours; 4% of weekly workout time; approx. 183 calories burned
All Sports:	Approx. 164.07 miles in 17.3 hours; approx. 7678 calories burned
Sleep:	7.21 hours avg./night
Stretching:	1.37 hours. Massage: 1.5 hours