Yin and Yang

I suppose it was natural for me to be drawn towards the whole self-awareness thing, sometimes as manifested by Buddhism, only because that's the only philosophy I've seen it enjoined to an entire way of life.

I was raised Catholic, and while I have some issues with it, I see it mostly as a way for people to feel they belong to a common belief system, which if that's what you need, go for it!

Mostly I'm just trying to know myself, be more aware of my self, and see what windows and doors that might open for me. I haven't taken up traditional meditation, and am not sure whether I want to. I do find that I achieve a meditation-like state during much of my training, and certainly I've experienced the "peaceful emptiness" during Ironman marathons. It's because of that that I decided I had better find a way to bring that out in the rest of my life.

Recently I began doing morning gentle warming up/stretching/yoga, and of course, it's beneficial if I practice with a clear, open receptive mind. I am now looking forward to this time (perhaps 20' at the most) as a way to begin my day more centered and calm. Again, I find myself one step away from meditation, as I've been having thoughts like, "What if I just sit quietly for 5 minutes?" Well, what if I do? For now, I seem to be able to achieve peace through quietly stretching and during my workouts, so my psyche favors a more active form of meditation. I think I'm able to do it this way only because I have sought to achieve an intense mind-body connection, and I no longer look at the effort of training or racing as "suffering."

When I describe part or all of a workout as having "sucked," it's just a term of endearment! If I didn't want to know where the intense, focused effort would take me, I wouldn't be able to execute the intensity, would I? If I was truly suffering, I wouldn't be making it through the last 3 weeks, this one included, and there's one more big build week next week, with such a feeling of calm.

On another level, I must admit that I've been more or less of a hermit for the past 2 months. I did let some of my friends know that this was a necessary process for me but that it is not an indication that my love for them is any less. It's just one of those times in my life where I need to get more deeply in touch with myself so that I can be that good friend, be that good athlete, be that good employee, be that good sister. I do not feel lonely at all. While I believe that my exterior can be difficult to understand at times, all I can say is trust that the interior is being slightly remodeled, but not with anything frivolous or "flashy." Isn't that funny? I have always been a person who likes to dress rather flashy, or at least attention-getting. But that is the yang part of my yin-yang. I'm just spending a little more time on my yin!