Thoughts upon waking up

As I said yesterday, one of the times I find my mind scrolling is right when I wake up. Sometimes I actually have a productive thought when that happens. This morning's thought was:

Why don't I ask J why he treated me so poorly when I was with him?

Which of course, then leads me to ask:

1. Would I really ask him this question?
2. Would I really expect an honest answer?
3. Why do I want to know the answer to that question?
4. What do I hope to do with the answer from that question?

Now THIS is mind scrolling at its best!

Would I actually ask him this question?
I want to. It's a loaded question. It implies the forgone conclusion is that he did treat me poorly. But now that I'm trying to become a little more self-aware, I suppose the real question is one that I can't ask him, which is why did I feel so bad after having spent time with him? I'll go ahead and try and answer that now, because then maybe the rest of the questions become moot. Here's what I sensed:

• I came all the way from Chicago and was all dressed up and thought I looked nice. When I got off the plane I got nothing like "You look great" or "I'm happy to see you." Ostensibly, the reason we were getting together in the first place was primarily to have sex, but what the fuck? I mean, part of making that a great experience is acknowledging the full sensory/sensual package, isn't it? I did say to him I was happy to see him.
• He was dressed like crap. I had told him (and I suspect he thought I was joking) that I would be dressed to the nines--I really didn't expect him to reciprocate, but I expected a little more than "I just got done working on my car" attire.
• Other than when we were actually having sex, he barely touched me. Well there was that one time where he put his arms around me in bed early in the morning. That sort of shocked me. But as the weekend wore on (and I think it must have really wore on him), it appeared that he really wanted nothing to do with me.

So, in summary, I expected to be acknowledged and honored. While I know I need to work on having lesser expectations all around, was that really too much to ask? So then I found myself trying to convince myself while I was with him that what was happening was OK. And that, my friends, I think is what sent me into a spiral. I was not being true to myself. I should have said something right then and there, like, "You are treating me like fucking crap." That would have put a damper on things! I suppose that's one reason why I didn't say anything. I mean, I did enjoy the sex (not sure whether he actually did or not, he's a guy after all it probably doesn't matter).

So I prostituted myself. I guess I got what I deserved, didn't I? The other thing I had hoped for was that we could be friends, maybe friends with benefits. This is why I took this as a loss, that together with having to put my cats to sleep and owning up to not being OK with the DNF at Ironman Wisconsin and sensing that I was generally out of whack. Even though J wouldn't touch me, we did have some really interesting conversations, and I find him to be very refreshing in many ways. Hell, I may have even crewed for him at a 24-hour race, but that is now totally out of the question (wait, I can't predict the future, can I?).

Would I really expect an honest answer?
Um.....no....he's a guy, and I don't think he's been very honest about a number of things. Let's see--"I'm really great in bed" (uh......no you're not....maybe average), "I've done all these wild things sexually" (uh.....no you haven't you freaked out when I suggested something a little different including a leash and collar). There were more. So no, I would not expect an honest answer, so why bother asking? All talk and no action. Maybe what happened is that he found me totally repulsive. I suppose that could be it. And what would I do if I asked the questions and that's what he told me? I would feel even worse.

Why do I want to know the answer to that question?
The real question I want answered is WHY DO I FEEL SO FUCKING BAD ABOUT THIS? And when will it stop? This reminds me of my divorce (aHA, you say). What it came down to was I let myself not be myself in order to make this person happy. Or was it myself that I thought I was making happy by doing this? Either way, a very unhealthy way to behave. What does this tell me? As "wear my heart on my sleeve" that I think I am, I am actually quite good at subjugating my real feelings in order to get what I think I need from others (aside: isn't it funny that the day after you've been digging and rooting around in the garden you blow your nose and actual dirt comes out?).

So this self-awareness thing should have many good effects on me. Will I avoid situations like this? It's not so much avoidance as it is being aware of myself and being in and dealing with the here and now.

What do I hope to do with the answer to that question?

Well I've already established that even if the question were asked, I wouldn't get an honest answer, and the question I wanted to ask isn't the real question at all, so now what have I learned from this?

I need to be more self-aware and in the moment and true to myself, even if it means things might not turn out the way I want.

That was a lot for one single waking thought....